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I am 'The Change Maker' of my life.

It’s Saturday morning here in Ubud as I write this.

I arrived here late last night. I left my home in Scotland at 9am on Thursday morning, I got here when it was dark, so haven’t seen any of Bali as yet.

As I write this, I’m sitting on my bed, having just finished my morning practice with Life Force Energy, which is a self care community that I started work with last week. This is something that’s run by my friends Lynette and Natalie, It’s usually done live, but as I was travelling, and the time difference, I had to catch up on the recording this morning, and I’m grateful that I did. I needed that session today. I needed to hear those words, to feel those words, and to release my emotions.

Allow me to bring you up to speed on the past 36 hours, and why I believe that what I’m about to share with you holds wisdom that you may be able to use, and take through your own journey of life, and becoming the change maker in your own life.

It is my intention that what you are about to read strikes a chord, and resonate. My hope is that you take permission to do the things that you know are true to you.

You are not here to hide. You are not here to live your life the way others expect you should. You were not born to stay small, so that others feel more comfortable around you. You were not put on this earth to stay quiet, and self abandon.

Tell me, what happens when you do this?

Do you know what happens to you when you hide? When you swallow your words? When you don’t say how you feel? When you don’t self express? When you don’t meet your own needs?

The answer is - You never fully live. Yes, of course you may be alive, but are you really living your fullest most authentic and true life?

What if you were to come out of hiding? What then?

When we are born, we are whole and complete. We are a tiny baby, who is ready to soak up everything that life has to offer.

We learn quickly how to express ourselves by expressing when we are hungry, needing changed, or to be soothed by our care giver. Typically this is in the form of crying. This form of expression allows us to communicate our needs. Yet, very early on in life, we start to believe that crying is a bad thing. It’s perhaps weak, silly or embarrassing, so then we spend much of our lives learning how to swallow our emotions.

We have all been there right? You feel the tightness in your chest, the lump in your throat, the sting of your tears, as they rise. You catch them all at once, you take a pause, followed by a breath, and you swallow.

You swallow your emotions, just as they were about to move through you. You see this as an act of strength and courage. You’re almost proud of yourself, wearing the fact that you ‘held it together’ as a badge of honour, and the ultimate act of strength. You’re proud.

Over years of doing this, we create walls so thick that we barely recognise ourselves. Who Am I? Why Am I here? What is my true purpose? Do I even have one? Is there more to life than this? Is this it for me? Can I do more? Am I capable? Why am I like this? Why do I react this way? Why do I avoid? Why can’t I just be happy?

I’m sure you’ve asked yourself at least 3-5 of these questions before, yet most of the time, you shrug it off, and get on with your day, ignoring the feeling deep within yourselves that tells you to go a little deeper, search a little more, and the answers will be there.

Our need for acceptance seems to be far greater than our need to live our truth. What I mean by this is that more often, we would rather be accepted by not only the people close to us, but even those who have no impact on our lives. We would rather be accepted by them than step out of the day to day, and say how we really feel and what we really want.

Our attachment to what people think of us is so big, and we learned this from an early age, It’s inherent.

As children, we were attached to our care givers. As babies, we needed them to survive, and so we learned very quickly, as young children that in order to please our care givers, we would often do things to make them happy. We wanted to be loved, and we wanted them not to get angry, so in order for this to happen, quite often, we would not fully express our own needs.

This is not about shaming, or blaming anyone, this is about understanding why so many of us struggle to put ourselves first without believing it’s selfish. It’s also about understanding why many of us run away from people, situations and responsibilities without expressing the reason why?

When we don’t fully understand ourselves, our needs, our desires, and why we want what we want, we can shut down, shut people out, and run away. On the surface, this is often seen as selfish.

Looking deeply beyond your surface, and exploring your own needs and desires, and why you want what you want is not selfish, it’s necessary when it comes to living a full, free and authentic life.

I believe that everyone deserves this. Everyone deserves to live a full expression of who they are, and what they are here to create in this lifetime.

What stops us is fear, and more often than not, it’s fear of judgement.

‘What others think of you is none of your business’ - Regina Brett

‘Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth’ - Marcus Aurelius

People will talk, they always have, and they always will. The most successful leaders on the planet have been ridiculed and shamed by others, yet they never let it stop them, and thankfully for us, they didn’t. Perhaps if they did, we wouldn’t be living the lives we do today.

When I started my own deep healing journey 5 years ago, I was scared. I was fresh out of 21 years in corporate leadership. I had gone from working long, exhausting hours, trying to please my boss, my peer group, trying to fit in, be respected, make a name for myself, not letting others see me as ‘weak’, as well as being a super kick ass Mum, who could spin a million plates, go to the gym 5 days a week, as well as look good at the same time. And that, was my benchmark for what success looked like. If I could do all of that then I was winning at life.

But guess what? As well as being completely burned out, and at times, the worst version of myself, people judged me. They would gossip, they would make up lies about me, they said mean things about me then, and it hurt….. A lot. It felt sh*t.

So then I left, and went on my own healing journey, and can you guess what happened when I stated to work deeply on myself? They still judged, and ridiculed. They would judge me for leaving my corporate life, and starting my own business. They would gossip about me doing meditation, and other healing practices. They would ridicule me for sharing parts of my journey online, and it still hurt, but no where near as much as it did before.

5 years on, and guess what? Im still being judged, people still gossip, and I’m still ridiculed.

But, the biggest difference now is that it doesn’t hurt as much. OK, let’s get really honest, we all want to be liked, and loved. We want to feel connection people, to safety, to love, and we desire acceptance. When we don’t appear to get, it can sting. But you know what’s worse? Not fully living because we let our fear of the opinions of others stop us from fully living our truth.

If I were to worry about the opinions of others, I wouldn’t get out of bed in the morning. And to be honest, I’m not sure I would want to get out of bed, If I couldn’t live my truest and most authentic life. If I had to swallow my words, hide parts of myself, pretend to be someone I’m not. This, to me is not fully living.

I’ve often shared that one of my biggest fears is getting to end of life and wishing I’d done it differently. Hiding parts of me, and not fully expressing myself is living a lie. It’s self abandonment.

A newspaper recently did an article on me about my trip to Bali. It covered the reason I’m taking the trip which included a piece about the recent passing of my Mum. It also included a part about how important it is that at no matter what age you are, you never need to self abandon, and can have a healthy relationship with your partner and family if you can fully communicate your needs.

After an exhausting flight, I got off the plane to a message from my friend who had seen the article online. There were some lovely comments, and there were also some very ugly comments. She was worried what impact this may have on me. I clicked the link, and had a quick look. Initially it looked like a 50/50 split. Some people saying lovely things, and others saying the opposite (trolling you could say) I saw something about me being a bad Mum, a selfish Mum who had abandoned her children. I quickly came off the site and decided in that moment, not to read anymore.

I decided in that moment not to fill my mind with negativity. Not to allow judgement from others to enter my space. This was my choice, and I made it.

You see, there will always be people who are ready to hide behind a keyboard, and ridicule you. There will always be someone close to you who won’t get why you’re doing what you’re doing. There will always be that person who wants to take you on, to make you feel less than, smaller than and weaker than them. There will always be the bully, but you are not here to meet their needs, you are here to meet yours.

You are here to live your most authentic life. You are here to create magic, to make waves. You are here to be the ‘Change Maker’

You are here to heal your trauma, and to inspire others to do the same. You are here to change the trajectory of your life, and the generations that will come after you. You are here to BE. To be the fullest and most expressed version of you. You are here to come out of hiding, and to shine your beautiful light in to the world.

Do it all anyway, and by you doing this, you give others permission to do the same. Not everyone will understand, not everyone will get it, but they don’t have to understand. They are not you. You are unique and so are they. You are just a few steps ahead of them, and for every 1 person that hates on you, there are at least 10 that are inspired by you.

Choose your way of BE-ing. Choose to see the light over the dark. Choose Love over fear. Choose to see the bigger picture.

Choose to be selfish. Because self love is not selfish, it’s necessary.

Choose to let go of unkind words, people, hate, and fear because you know that this is not about you, it’s about them and their own fears.

Choose to disregard all that is not in alignment with the truest, and highest version of you. Choose not to let the ugly in. Choose to send love to those people who are in the struggle. Choose to forgive.

To the ones who hate, to the ones who need more love and light in their life, choose not to let any of their pain, fears or shame penetrate you.

Remember why you are here, why you have made the choices you have made. Stand tall in your power, be the light. Not everyone will accept you, and choose to be OK with that.

Your only job is to live the truest and most authentic version of you. And when you do this work, you care far less about what others think of you. What others think if you, is usually filtered through the lens of whatever emotions they are going through, and has nothing to do with you.

Today is day 1 in Bali, and it’s time to explore. It’s time to connect, to feel, to heal, and to be. Is it scary? Yes, it is a little. I’m at the opposite side of the world from all of my family and friends. I’m still processing the grief of my Mum, but I know that so much more healing and growth will come out of this trip. Growth for my life, my family, my clients and community. I know that by me doing this, and coming completely out of my comfort zone will allow me to step in to a version of me that is ready to move in to something bigger than fear.

I am the ‘Change Maker’ of my own life, and I choose ME.

What are you choosing today?

Life Force Energy website -

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Michelle McEwan
Michelle McEwan
Oct 08, 2022

What a lovely post jill and everything you have said today complete resonates with how am feeling at the moment . I am not going to lie am a tad bit jealous that your on this journey as having travelled before by myself it’s such an amazing thing you can do for yourself .Am currently in a job where am leading and it’s all new to me I’ve been trying to keep it all together not let people see the real me if am honest but yesterday I broke down in tears at work and I think it was probably a good thing for my team to see that am human and am struggling just as they are at the…

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Such a beautiful & powerful share. Thank you for sharing this with me. 🤍🤍

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